My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
