Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
