Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
