I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
