Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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