the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
