I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
