when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize