I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the day after is always just damage control
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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