Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
