I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
