everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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