A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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