just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize