i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
