i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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