the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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