he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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