Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
