Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
