woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
