Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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