They should really pass out barf bags in church
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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