Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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