i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
