this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
