They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
