im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
