i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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