CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
