you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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