i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
