yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
