my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
