We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
