Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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