And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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