I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
