hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
