Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
