I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize