I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
