he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
