I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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