i wish my penis had a tongue
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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