why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
