I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
