I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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