literally had 100 drinks last night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
