using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize