id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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