This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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