I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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