OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
