at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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