we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's blow job season.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
