NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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