every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
