1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
