I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
