if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
my liver is dry heaving
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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