Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
