you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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