Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
